The Barker Chronicles VI

Hey humans.

Barker Posey here. Word at the neighborhood water cooler is that my humans have been writing stories about me. Seeing that I’m a dog and I can’t read, I’ll take their smell for it. If you’re wondering how I can write if I can’t read… Don’t be a dick. Sorry for the ruff language, it just annoys me to no end that my humans are using me for their so-called “lessons.”

The truth is, they’re right about some things. Like, I didn’t really know how to be around humans when I first moved in with them. However, I knew how to dog. So that was their first lie. Maybe just not how they expected. Humans were a bit of a mystery. I’d watch my brother, Doggy Trejo, cozy up next to them, sit in their laps, snuggle. I had never previously had that opportunity. It looked weird. Especially at sleep time when it was dark. I’d see Trejo hop into bed, lay down, roll onto his back and tuck his head underneath one of them. Sometimes, he’d go underneath the covers. That looked terrifying. Who knows what kind of threat is under there? I still don’t.

Often, I simply sat on the bed and watched my humans fall asleep. I’ve heard them say that I was contemplating their deaths. That’s a lie. I was trying to figure out what was going on. I mean, on occasion I thought about biting one of them, especially the man who makes loud noises when he sleeps. I thought that if I bit him, he would stop. Maybe once or twice I thought about killing them and leaving the fortress to me and my brother. But I was curious about the food. It always appeared and the same time, but where did it come from? I saw the humans pour it into bowls, but what if it stopped without them. I couldn’t really risk it.  

Eventually, I would lay down and get comfy. One of them would almost always bump me during the night. I hated that. So I would contemplate biting them again. Occasionally, one of them would wake up and catch me staring at them. At first, I was embarrassed. But then I saw the worrisome look on their faces. I liked that. But what I liked more was when I could peacefully sleep. I had nightmares before. Once, I woke up and bit the lady human on her ear. She barked. It must have hurt. I apologized the best I could. She wasn’t mad. Every time I had nightmares after that, one of them would gently shake me until I woke up. I appreciated that. I also bit my brother one time during a nightmare. I apologized to him, too. He never held a grudge. I would push him around when we played, sometimes biting him hard. He never said anything. Until he did. He yelled at me one day, showed me his teeth. I stopped biting him hard after that. He was my brother, my friend, my teacher. I miss him.


The nickname, “murder dog,” isn’t really correct. I’ve never murdered a dog. Perhaps “attempted murder dog” would be more appropriate. I used to be very protective of my property. I wasn’t sure why other dogs were allowed on my property, but when I had the chance, I’d let them know that they were not welcomed! I got punched in the eye for that, but it was worth it.

I also didn’t like the tight necklace or the rope attached to it. I never wore one before. It made me nervous and anxious. It left me no other option than fighting. Sometimes I still get nervous, but not as much anymore.

My male human took me for drives to a far away place. There were other dogs there. I didn’t like that. But I did like walking over the board, across the plank, around the ropes. That was fun. The other humans leading were really cool, too. I made sure to give them kisses whenever I saw them. I started to like the work, even if there were other dogs there. I fell in love with my man human. He was always patient, even when I made him fall down. I still laugh when thinking about that.

Then I started hanging out with another lady human. She was cool, too, and she gave me delicious treats. A lot. Even though I still was scared, she would stay with me, talk to me, and give me those delicious morsels while playing games with me like, “watch me,” “sit/stay,” and my favorite, “free.” My man and lady human would play the same games with me that the other lady human played. It was hard and fun. Sometimes I got really stressed out. But we played the same game forever it seemed. I eventually got used to it and wasn’t that stressed anymore. Plus, I really enjoyed spending one-on-one time with my humans. They were almost always really nice to me. Between me and you, I would occasionally take advantage of their kindness. That didn’t last long, though. They caught on pretty quickly.

Now, I adore both of them, even if they’re sharing stories about me. The truth is, I’m still learning. But I love my humans. I love my new brother, Vito. He plays rough, but I’m pretty sure I could take him out. He’s big, goofy, and really strong. He gets tired quick. I have a lot of energy and can ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun forever. My man human gets tired fast, too. Not my lady human, though. She plays with me a lot. She throws the ball and I chase it. Then I make her chase me to get the ball back. She says I’m not playing right, but I think it’s more fun this way. I like to run.

Anyway, I just thought you other humans might like to hear from me. I don’t have nightmares anymore, but I still get annoyed when they bump me in bed. I want to let everyone know that they’re not the only ones that have to put up with trouble. I have to put up with them. That’s no easy task either. Trust me.